Expect Miracles: The Oppression of Shoulds and Musts

Expect Miracles: The Oppression of Shoulds and Musts: "“I should always be in control. I must always succeed. I can’t fail. I must be perfect and never make mistakes. I should always please other..."

The Oppression of Shoulds and Musts

“I should always be in control. I must always succeed. I can’t fail. I must be perfect and never make mistakes. I should always please others. Rejection is horrible. Life must be fair. Others should give me what I want. I must be right. Others ought to appreciate the things I do for them. Life should be easy.” We can torture ourselves and others with a number of rigid shoulds, oughts and musts. These ironclad beliefs can produce guilt, shame, pain and other unpleasant emotions when we fail to live up to them. They can hurt our self-esteem. They are inflexible and rigid and can leave us angry when others fail to meet our demands. They can injure our relationships with others.

These convictions can be hard to eliminate. Firstly, because they have helped us to survive in times of stress. Secondly, they can be hard to eradicate because we may not even be aware of their presence and the powerful influence they have on us. Due to frequent and long-term repetition and usage, they have unconsciously become part of our personal logic and thinking.  We can’t just get rid of these negative beliefs, we simply need to replace them with ones that work FOR us, not against us.

How can we deal with these oppressors?

1. Identify the event – What happened?

2. How did you feel?

3. What were your automatic thoughts just before and during the unpleasant

feelings – in particular, what were the shoulds, oughts or musts you repeated to yourself?

4. Evaluate and challenge these convictions with any of the following questions:

• How is this belief affecting my feelings, behavior and movement

towards my goals?

• What is this belief costing me? Do I want to continue paying for it?

• Is this belief working for me? Does it promote peace and wellbeing in my life?

• How is this belief hurting me?

• What affect is this belief having on those around me?

• What might be the consequences of continuing to hold this belief?

5. Write out more positive and balanced beliefs and rules. Healthy convictions

and rules are flexible and open (instead of rigid), personally owned (instead

of unconsciously adopted from others, i.e. parents), realistic– leading to

behavior with positive outcomes (instead of unrealistic – leading to behavior

with negative outcomes), and life-enhancing (instead of life-restricting).

When writing, avoid words like should, ought, must, all, always, never,

totally. Instead, use phrases such as I’d like, I’d prefer, or I want to.

6. Then, evaluate your revised convictions by asking, “What are the short-term,

long-term, affects on you and others involved?”

By eliminating these words, you will show more love for yourself and live a more joyful and peaceful life filled with healthy relationships.  

Peace and Blessings,

Jill