Expect Miracles: The Oppression of Shoulds and Musts

Expect Miracles: The Oppression of Shoulds and Musts: "“I should always be in control. I must always succeed. I can’t fail. I must be perfect and never make mistakes. I should always please other..."

The Oppression of Shoulds and Musts

“I should always be in control. I must always succeed. I can’t fail. I must be perfect and never make mistakes. I should always please others. Rejection is horrible. Life must be fair. Others should give me what I want. I must be right. Others ought to appreciate the things I do for them. Life should be easy.” We can torture ourselves and others with a number of rigid shoulds, oughts and musts. These ironclad beliefs can produce guilt, shame, pain and other unpleasant emotions when we fail to live up to them. They can hurt our self-esteem. They are inflexible and rigid and can leave us angry when others fail to meet our demands. They can injure our relationships with others.

These convictions can be hard to eliminate. Firstly, because they have helped us to survive in times of stress. Secondly, they can be hard to eradicate because we may not even be aware of their presence and the powerful influence they have on us. Due to frequent and long-term repetition and usage, they have unconsciously become part of our personal logic and thinking.  We can’t just get rid of these negative beliefs, we simply need to replace them with ones that work FOR us, not against us.

How can we deal with these oppressors?

1. Identify the event – What happened?

2. How did you feel?

3. What were your automatic thoughts just before and during the unpleasant

feelings – in particular, what were the shoulds, oughts or musts you repeated to yourself?

4. Evaluate and challenge these convictions with any of the following questions:

• How is this belief affecting my feelings, behavior and movement

towards my goals?

• What is this belief costing me? Do I want to continue paying for it?

• Is this belief working for me? Does it promote peace and wellbeing in my life?

• How is this belief hurting me?

• What affect is this belief having on those around me?

• What might be the consequences of continuing to hold this belief?

5. Write out more positive and balanced beliefs and rules. Healthy convictions

and rules are flexible and open (instead of rigid), personally owned (instead

of unconsciously adopted from others, i.e. parents), realistic– leading to

behavior with positive outcomes (instead of unrealistic – leading to behavior

with negative outcomes), and life-enhancing (instead of life-restricting).

When writing, avoid words like should, ought, must, all, always, never,

totally. Instead, use phrases such as I’d like, I’d prefer, or I want to.

6. Then, evaluate your revised convictions by asking, “What are the short-term,

long-term, affects on you and others involved?”

By eliminating these words, you will show more love for yourself and live a more joyful and peaceful life filled with healthy relationships.  

Peace and Blessings,

Jill

Transforming Fear into Courage

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

            - Nelson Mandela

Dear Friends,

Did you know that over 87% of the world's population lives their lives ruled by FEAR?  That’s an ungodly number!  The research done by Dr. David Hawkins for his best selling book Power vs. Force shows us that this is a reality of not only the times in which we are now living, but a representation of the whole of human existence.  It comes down to how we THINK about fear that has to power to destroy us or lift us up to the highest heights.

Fear is something we all deal with.  Fear holds us back.  Fear stops us from doing what we know we need to do to live a joy filled life.  Fear stops us from doing what we want to do.  Fear paralyzes us.  It steals our life right out from under us.  Worry and fear beget worry and fear and our lives mirror this negative belief system.  Fear is a real emotion from a real or perceived threat.  A real threat is when a lion is about to attack you or when a car is about to collide into you head on.  It causes all kinds of biological changes in the body that help you to make quick decisions and take quick actions based on survival.  This type of fear benefits you.  It helps you to react and take care of yourself, if there is time.   There are other fears that are perceived, ones that may or may not happen, usually future fears of some sort.  Fear of going broke and living on the streets, fear of losing your job, etc.  This unreal fear is based on past experiences and has nothing to do with the present situation at hand, but we believe it does.  It’s your ego protecting you from getting hurt from something that reminds your subconscious mind of a past negative outcome or of someone who has projected their fears onto you.  Just because it happened in the past doesn’t mean it will happen in the present or the future.  Most likely they WON’T happen again.  Many of us live with fear and are not even aware of it because it’s become a way of life.  Now if you were aware of your fears and faced them consciously, you would actually see them as a great opportunity to grow and become a more courageous person.  Future outcomes are imagined images that we have made up in our head.  None of us know what is about to happen next.  If you are considering a certain course of action, we don’t know what the outcome will be.  You can only make your best decision with the knowledge you have in the moment.  Be true to your intuition and trust in your own abilities.  The future will be revealed as soon as it happens and it usually is nothing like you imagined it or if it is, it has happened for the best, for us to grow, to learn and to become better people as a result.

Here is a quick checklist of how to identify what your fears are and to discover if they are actually YOUR fears (not just the residual effect of someone else).  Finally, a few steps to start overcoming them.

Overcoming Fear:

·         Acknowledge it. Become conscious of how it feels.  Become fully aware of what is stopping you from moving forward.

·         Identify what's behind the fear.  Is it real or perceived?

·         Talk yourself through the what if's.  If you can accept the worst that can happen, fear won’t control you.

·         be objective, the fear is only there to test you

The feeling that you have when you break through Fear, is utter joy.

You Can Do It!

Don’t live another minute of your life in fear.  It’s up to you to change your mind about fear and live a life of courage, adventure, excitement, love, trust and joy!  Don’t be at the mercy of fear.  Take your life back into your own hands.  It’s the only one you’ve got.

Peace and Blessings,

Jill

Live in the Moment

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”

                                                -- Thich Nhat Hanh

Learn to live in the moment.  Your life depends on it.  The present moment is truly all we have.  The past is gone and the future is but a thought in our minds that may or may not happen.  Accepting the present moment allows us to actually live our lives, to experience our lives, to get to know ourselves - our wants, needs, desires and values.  To love and appreciate ourselves is to live in the moment and accept the moment, whatever feeling or experience that holds.  It may be a time of celebration, of sadness, of peace, of fear, of boredom, of joy, etc.  Accepting the moment is not an easy task, but it is the only path to genuine peace and fulfillment.  

Why don’t more people live in this place more of the time?  Mostly because we are a society of more, more, more, constantly striving for something better in the future.  We aren’t satisfied with what is and therefore are obsessed with acquiring and achieving because that’s what we are “supposed” to do.  We think we will be happy when we have lots of stuff, or when we become famous, or find the perfect mate.  When we achieve these goals, happiness still eludes us.  If we are never happy or satisfied with what is, we will never be happy or satisfied, period!  We will always be looking to the future for our happiness which never comes because there is always another future once we get there.  I’m not saying that acquiring nice things or planning for the future are wrong as long as we are balancing other areas of our lives and doing it because it comes from the passion within and is in line with our values and purpose for living.  Most people are like robots, unconsciously going through the motions of life completely numb to who they are and what is important to them.  Therefore, living in the present can be painful so we avoid it at all costs.  The number one way is through addictions.  We live in an addiction-oriented society.  This presents itself in many forms – alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, money, power, fame, control, and the list goes on.  We expend so much time and energy avoiding the moment that we are utterly exhausted.  The energy that we are using up can be channeled into more positive, fulfilling tasks and activities that will bring us joy and more enjoyable outcomes.  Accepting and embracing the present is the way to allow the future to unfold as it is supposed to without getting in the way by trying to control and manipulate it.  In acceptance, we are tapped into that force within that clearly guides us as to what we are supposed to do in each moment and have the courage to act on that.  Is a flower angry because it’s not growing fast enough, or is next to another flower that is “prettier” than it is and is therefore angry and upset?  This is ludicrous, right?  We think so, but it’s how most of us live our lives.  Just live your life by being who you are and using the gifts and talents you were given and you will be naturally happy and successful.  That is our birthright, just like a flower is made to bloom to be a flower without being angry about not being a tree.

In order to start cultivating this habit of living in the moment, one thing we can do is to be aware of our senses.  Throughout the day, stop and ask yourself what am I feeling right now, what do I see right now, what do I hear right now… until you go through all of the senses.  Becoming aware of your senses brings you in touch with the moment more easily.  Another thing you can do to get in touch with the moment is to listen to the voice within you.  Some people call it God, intuition, higher force, higher power.  You’ve all heard the voice before.  What is it telling you?  Can you hear it or is drowned out?  That is the force that guides us to our highest and best. 

Is there anywhere in your life where you are not living in the moment?  Do you spend more time denying your feelings than accepting them and learning what they have to teach you?  Are you holding in anger or resentment from something that happened years ago?  Are you stuck in an addiction that is sucking the joy out of your work and relationships?  If you said yes to just one question, it’s time to move past your resistance into creating a life of more joy, fulfillment, peace, success, prosperity and love, where life flows easily and effortlessly and miracles happen on a daily basis.  Learn to live in the moment.  Your life depends on it.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.

- Author unknown

Affirmation: I lovingly accept and embrace each and every moment of my life.  I peacefully handle anything that comes my way and trust the guidance of my intuition, knowing that my life is unfolding perfectly, exactly as it is supposed to.

Love is the Ultimate Power

True, spiritual love occurs moment by moment, day by day, is unconditional, non-judgmental, accepting, giving, honest, caring, unselfish, comforting, serving, joyful and has no expectations.  Love encompasses so much that it’s hard to put it down in words.  Love is the ultimate force in the universe.  It is the goal in which we all seek.  It is our main driving force in life.  When we love ourselves, we overflow with love for every living thing on the planet.  Loving ourselves means respecting ourselves enough to take action on information from our Higher Power.  The internal work we do on ourselves, working through feelings and getting to know who we are, gives us a sense of profound love for ourselves where true, pure love can be extended out to others.  We can’t give away what we don’t have.  Although it can be challenging to love in a world where there is so much hate and fear, we must rise above the turmoil of the world and love anyway. For that is the only way to true freedom, joy and peace.  All the goodness of life is nurtured in the soil of love, for love comforts, heals, creates, liberates, and elevates our lives in a way that nothing else can.  We either love or suffer.  We either love or destroy.  We must each make a choice for love if we are to prosper, and we must make this choice deeply each and every day.  This is where spiritual practice and belief in an Unlimited Love that surpasses all mere human love can be so valuable.
The Institute for Research on Unlimited Love suggests that selfless love can increase our immunity by de-stressing us.  Love extends our life span by improving our mental state, reducing depression by shifting our focus from ourselves to giving or helping others.  It is interesting to note that studies suggest that SHOWING support and affection for loved ones slows down the aging process even more than receiving love does.  This requires setting aside the pride we take in the psychological “self”, overcoming the defenses we use to protect our pride, and surrendering to a profound absorption in divine love that calls us to treat ourselves and others with kindness, patience and forgiveness.
Imagine a world where people were filled with love from the inside out.  We wouldn’t have words like hate, jealousy, envy, condemnation, negativity, unhappiness, pain or fear.  Let’s do our part in contributing to this type of world.  Start with yourself. It is your responsibility to your life and the world around you to live this way.   Begin by recognizing that you can't love others until you truly love yourself — body, mind, and soul. As you move through a day, be aware of love's expressions emerging from you or coming toward you — attraction, focus, absorption, desire, adoration, security, trust, empathy, caring, harmony, contentment, communion.  Practice extending the reach of these feelings.  It is through loving that we experience love. Take a few minutes daily to visualize a world of love, joy, peace and happiness. Imagine what people would be like.  What type of communication would people have with each other?  Would there be a high importance on materialism and acquiring things?  How often would people be smiling and laughing as opposed to frowning and expressing anger towards each other?  Imagine it in detail and you will soon start to attract this type of life for yourself.
As you begin this process of spiritual healing towards a life of love, start by listening to your unconscious. Meditate and pray.  Explore your pain and anger.  Face your fears.  Find strength in your weakness.  With commitment and intention, you will discover the ability to give up your pride, forgive those who have hurt you, and give of yourself in pure love.  Then... you will be on the path of love and healing.

Peace and Blessings,
Jill

The Gratitude Attitude

Posessing an attitude of gratitude and making a conscious decision to be grateful each and every day will reap benefits beyond your wildest dreams. A research on Gratitude and Thankfulness from the University of California, Davis has shown that grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, an increased sense of well being, life satisfaction, alertness, determination, vitality, optimism and lower levels of depression and stress. According to the findings, people who feel grateful are also more likely to feel loved, exercise regularly and make more progress toward personal goals. Gratitude also encouraged a positive cycle of reciprocal kindness among people because one act of gratitude encourages another.  If you are depressed, the way out is to look at all the things in life you are appreciative of.  We all have soooooooooo many when we really look.  When we focus on the good, there isn't room in our minds to be sad.

Considering all of these awesome benefits of gratitude, why aren’t we in this state all the time? Being in a state of gratitude is simple, but not always easy. It just takes a little practice. If you are speeding through life, chances are you, like many, are whining and missing out on blessings that are right in front of you. Imagine a tiny shift in your perception moving you into a state of joy. Living in gratitude and counting your blessings is that something. Each moment counts when we are grateful for it. We value who we are and what we want to accomplish. Our heart opens, our life changes, it feels good, and it’s free. We laugh at our setbacks because we know we can redirect our mind from its turmoil to a state of peace in the blink of an eye. The truth is, it’s insane to live without gratitude.

If you’re interested in living a life of gratitude, here are my suggestions:


1. Pay close attention to the good that is all around you. Singing birds welcoming the morning, sweet fragrances of flowers, the beautiful changing seasons, wonderful friends and family, pets, a smile from a stranger, a roof over your head, food to eat. A fond memory is created by remembering to focus on the gifts that are all around us as well as a kind word, or a thank you received, after doing a good deed.

2. Take a few minutes each day to give thanks, to who or what you’re grateful for. Make a list and look at it whenever you are feeling down. This one act can make a huge difference in your attitude.

3. When someone does something nice for you, however small, try to remember to say thank you. And really mean it.

4. There’s always two ways to look at something. Many times we think of something as negative — it’s stressful, harmful, sad, unfortunate, or difficult. But that same thing can be looked at in a more positive way. Giving thanks for those things is a great way to remind yourself that there is good in just about everything. Problems can be seen as opportunities to grow, to become a more virtuous person.


Remember the wise words of Abe Lincoln, “A person is just about as happy as he makes up his mind to be.” Choose gratitude every day and you will be happier. Gratitude is an opportunity to deepen your capacity for love. It shifts anger and upsets. It balances suffering and hardship. Let gratefulness overflow into your life and you will be better for it. And finally, the real secret of gratitude is, the more you are grateful for, the more you will have to be grateful for. Life is a gift ~ be grateful for each present moment.